Friday, July 25, 2014

Final Installment, Songs Inspired by True Events


#3 Why You Blue?
by Steve Marshall Cohen
Copyright 2014

(To a rock-a-billy beat)

Chorus:
Aint lost your job
Aint lost your girl
Aint lost your dog
So why you blue?

My paycheck’s pretty OK
Clears the bank - I get decent pay
And outside it’s a beautiful day
So why’m I so blue?

            Chorus

My girl is hot, I love how she sways
She got sexy eyes and legs for days
And she loves me true, so she says
So why’m I so blue?

Chorus

My dogs a drooler, his name is ol’ Rick
Wags his tongue - loves to slobber and lick
Chases rabbits and catches ‘em quick
So why’ I got the blues?

Chorus


Gonna tell you the sad news
‘Bout what’s got me down and blue
Some dumbass joker without a clue
Went and stepped on my blue suede shoes!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Second of Three Songs Inspired by True Events



#2 Wal-Mart Mama
by Steve Marshall Cohen
Copyright 2014

(To a country rhythm)

Oh I love my Wal-Mart mama
Oh I love my Wal-Mart mama
She goes shopping in her pajama
She goes shopping in her pajama
(background vocal): And what did she come to buy?

She got a cart full of cheese whiz and blonde hair dye
Cart’s piled high with bacon, chips and cherry pie
Cases of  Banquet Coors for her guy
Jerkys and turkeys and now you know why…

Oh, I love my Wal-Mart mama
She goes shopping in her pajama
She’s my Wal-Mart mama
She shops in fuzzy slippers and her pajama!

(background vocal): And what did she come to buy?

She buyin’ a tablecloth? – no, it’s a sweater!
Whatever she wants – you’d better let her!
Whatever she points at – you just go get ‘er
Watch them boys – they just wanna hit ‘er


Oh, She looks very cool in the checkout line
Too many items – she can’t count to nine!
She’s in no hurry – yeah, she takes her time
That big ole’ Wal-Mart mama of mine!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Three Songs (over three days) Inspired by True Events


#1 Toss My Keys
By Steve Marshall Cohen
copyright 2014

Toss My Keys
(to a blues beat)


I saw you toss my keys, baby
Yeah, I saw you toss my keys
Leavin’ the bar, into the trees
I saw you toss my keys
background vocals: (So I know you won’t be comin’ home)

I saw you call your man, baby
Yeah, I saw you call your man
Near my car, where you threw the keys
I saw you call your man
(So I know you won’t be comin’ home)

I saw you drive away, baby
Yeah, I saw you peel away
Wasn’t my car, but you had the keys
I saw you speed away
(So I know you won’t be comin’ home)



You said that you love me, baby
You said it was just you and me
But now I know you're just a tease,

'cause I saw you toss my keys.
(So you aint welcome home)

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Things I've Always Wanted To Say

To Jesus, "Thank God you never wore socks with sandals!"

To Louis Armstrong, "Would you please clear your throat."

To Billy Joel, "Date a Jewish Girl, would you please."

To Moses, "Roman numerals? Are you kidding me?"

To Madonna's father, "Well?"

Sunday, May 26, 2013

With all due respect to Kenny Rogers...

...my father-in-law, William Stein of New City, NY, an engineer, poet and devoted player of Texas Hold 'Em has shared with me the following original poem.  He has agreed that I may share it with my readers. It is rare to find one person who combines the science of engineering and the sensibilities of poetry with the risk-taking and bravado of a good bluff, but William Stein does it with grace and class.
Ode to Alan & Tony, The Ace and the Ten

If you can keep your chips when other players
  Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can bluff and keep the others guessing
  And have the style and form to follow through;

If you can wait for starting hands worth playing
  And conceal their strength with smile and guile galore
If you can bet and raise your weak opponents
  Inducing calls until they’ve chips no more;

If you can shroud a pair of Tens in mystery
  Or play a suited Ace with style and grace
And watch the flop produce a Set or Flush draw
  And not reveal your psychic change of pace;

If you can win and keep a humble mind-set
  Or lose a hand and never voice complaint
If you can bear the pain of someone’s suck-out
  And exercise emotional restraint;

If you rejoice each time you’re playing Hold-em
  With friend or foe and all who play for fun
You’ll grow in wisdom and in understanding
  And then one day you’ll know the game, My Son.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

What You Don't Know About Gravel Could Choke A Horse

In NYC, there is concrete and asphalt. Sidewalks are concrete, roadways are asphalt, and that's all there is to it.  In the GNC, we have concrete, mostly for foundations, asphalt for roadways, and we have gravel for everything in between. We have more varieties of gravel here than Dunkin has donuts. I know this because I have just researched, purchased, had delivered, spread, and graded twenty tons of Item 4. Shopping at a quarry is not something I had to do when I lived in mid-town Manhattan, but I did it last week in the GNC.

A nugget of Item 4 (I don't know why its called that, since as far as I know, there is no Item 1, 2 or 3) is about the size of a sugar cube.  Imagine twenty tons of sugar cubes being delivered to your apartment in a 4-axle container truck and being brought up in an elevator. Twenty tons of Item 4 would fill every room in your NYC apartment from floor to ceiling with enough left over to fill the swimming pool at Asphalt Green.

To give you an idea of the varieties I had to choose from, there is: bank gravel (gravel mixed with sand or clay), bench gravel (gravel located on the side of a valley above the present stream bottom, indicating the former location of the stream bed when it was at a higher level), creek rock (rounded, semi-polished stones that are dredged or scooped from river beds and creek beds). Crushed rock (rock that is mechanically broken into small pieces then sorted by filtering through different size mesh) is different from crushed stone (which is generally limestone or dolomite that has been crushed and graded by screens to certain size classes). A special type of crushed limestone is dense grade aggregate or DGA.

The most common sizes of crushed stone are 3/8, 5/8, 3/4, 1 1/2, 2 1/2.  If you really need another size, I'm sure you can find it. Crushed stone is measured in inches, but fine gravel is measured in millimeters (particles with a diameter of 1 to 2 mm).  Go figure. 

There is also lag gravel (coarse gravel produced by the removal of finer particles), pay gravel (also known as “pay dirt”, a nickname for gravel with a high concentration of metals) and  piedmont gravel (coarse gravel carried down from high places by mountain streams and deposited on relatively flat ground) not to mention  plateau gravel (gravel from a region above the height at which terrace gravel is usually found) and terrace gravel.  

There are more species of gravel, but this is a blog not Wikipedia.  

Let's not forget Item 4, which is good for driveways.  Item 4 is about $25 per ton delivered, so I just paid $500 for pebbles, and the GNC has rocks everywhere I look.  Go figure.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Building A Platform

Yesterday in the mail, came another rejection from an agent I had invited to represent my manuscript . It was my return envelope, with my three sample chapters inside, but nothing else - not a letter, note, scribble on the pages, nothing. I understand being busy, but "No. Thanks." doesn't take long to jot.

I am learning from talking to other authors that nowadays: the time from agent-finding to traditional book-on-the-shelves is now up to three years; the the average number of copies sold at an in-person, in-store book signing at Barnes & Noble is one; that if the manuscript doesn't have "robots and vampires" it has little chance of getting any traction with the first screeners at literary agencies.

We authors in the GNC (there are some) are witnessing the "disintermediation" of the publishing industry by the internet, leaving all but a special few with no access to the "old" channel.  One agent wrote to me in his rejection note that he liked my characters and plot, but that Costco and Walmart sell more copies of fewer titles than Barnes & Noble does of all its titles combined, and therefore publishers are publishing for Costco and Walmart shoppers.  My characters and plot wouldn't appeal to them.  That says it all.

So, unless you're Stephen King or John Grishman or endorsed by Oprah, I guess it has to be self-publish, e-publish and sell from your own "platform".  

Excuse me while I go the Walmart to try to find a book on "Building A Platform."  Ah yes, here it is, in the home improvement section!